By Mood Magazine NYC

There is something slightly ridiculous about dating in New York.

You can walk outside and encounter thousands of people before lunch.

You can meet somebody on the train.

At brunch.

At church.

At the gym.

At a gallery.

At the coffee shop.

At a concert.

At the restaurant where you swore you were only going because you were hungry.

And yet somehow, by midnight, you are back in bed looking at your phone wondering why nobody can seem to make a plan.

New York has millions of people.

Millions.

Surely somebody can pick a restaurant.

EVERYONE IS AVAILABLE. SORT OF.

Dating in New York creates a strange illusion.

There is always someone else.

Maybe they live in Brooklyn.

Maybe they’re in Harlem.

Maybe they’re in Queens and somehow emotionally available.

Maybe they’re downtown.

Maybe they’re uptown.

Maybe they’re one swipe away.

And because the city gives us so many possibilities, we can become addicted to possibility itself.

We meet someone interesting and immediately wonder who else might be out there.

We have a good date and still check the apps afterward.

We like somebody, but we don’t want to like them too quickly.

We are interested, but we want to appear casual.

We want connection.

We just don’t necessarily want to be caught wanting it.

Welcome to modern dating.

Please take a number.

THE FIRST DATE HAS BECOME A JOB INTERVIEW

There is the outfit.

The location.

The reservation.

The transportation.

The question of who is paying.

The question of whether the restaurant is too expensive.

The question of whether the neighborhood is convenient.

The question of whether you should have drinks first.

The question of whether drinks are secretly dinner.

Then there are the questions.

What do you do?

Where are you from?

How long have you lived here?

What are you looking for?

Do you want children?

Have you been married?

Why are you single?

Why are you asking why I’m single?

Suddenly you are not having dinner.

You are conducting an audit.

And somewhere across the table, two people who were supposed to be getting to know each other are quietly wondering whether they passed.

MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST TALK

There is something beautiful about a conversation that doesn’t have an agenda.

No checklist.

No five-year plan.

No carefully calculated response.

Just two people talking.

About music.

Food.

Travel.

Family.

Work.

The ridiculous thing somebody said on the train.

The restaurant they love.

The neighborhood they secretly think is overrated.

The place they want to visit.

The thing they haven’t told many people yet.

That is where attraction gets interesting.

Because chemistry is not always immediate fireworks.

Sometimes it is simply:

I like talking to you.

And honestly?

That’s a pretty good beginning.

THE COMMUTE MATTERS

Let’s talk about geography.

Because nobody tells you this when you move to New York.

Distance is not measured in miles.

It is measured in train transfers.

Someone can live twenty minutes away.

Technically.

But then you look at the route.

Two trains.

A transfer.

A fifteen-minute walk.

And suddenly the person you thought was twenty minutes away is participating in an international relationship.

New Yorkers understand this.

“I’ll come to your neighborhood” is not a casual sentence.

It means something.

So does:

“I’ll meet you halfway.”

And if someone crosses a bridge for you?

Please pay attention.

WE HAVE OPTIONS. WE JUST DON’T ALWAYS HAVE CLARITY.

Perhaps this is where dating gets complicated.

We don’t necessarily have a shortage of people.

We have a shortage of certainty.

We keep doors open.

We keep conversations going.

We say we’re “seeing where things go.”

We don’t want to define anything too early.

We don’t want to miss something better.

We don’t want to choose the wrong person.

So we keep choosing nobody.

And that can become its own kind of relationship.

A relationship with possibility.

Possibility is seductive.

It never disappoints you because it never actually has to become anything.

You can imagine that the next person will be more interesting.

More attractive.

More successful.

More romantic.

More available.

More everything.

But eventually you have to decide whether you like the person actually sitting across from you.

Not the imaginary person waiting somewhere around the corner.

SINGLE DOES NOT MEAN WAITING

This may be the most important thing we say in Single in the City.

Being single is not a waiting room.

It is not the period before your life begins.

It is not the time you spend becoming acceptable enough for somebody else to choose you.

Your life is already happening.

The dinner.

The concert.

The vacation.

The Sunday brunch.

The museum.

The late-night conversation.

The random Tuesday that somehow becomes your favorite memory of the month.

Go.

See the exhibition.

Try the restaurant.

Buy the ticket.

Take the trip.

Walk through the neighborhood.

Call your friends.

Dress up for dinner even if nobody is meeting you there.

The city is far too interesting to spend your life waiting for a text message.

Although, let’s be honest.

You are probably going to check your phone.

We understand.

THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING ALONE AND BEING LONELY

We confuse these two all the time.

You can be alone and perfectly happy.

You can also be surrounded by people and feel completely disconnected.

Company does not automatically create intimacy.

And solitude does not automatically mean sadness.

Sometimes being alone is simply space.

Space to think.

Space to breathe.

Space to order exactly what you want.

Space to hear yourself.

Space to notice who you are when nobody else is influencing the evening.

There is something powerful about knowing how to enjoy your own company.

Not because you don’t want anyone.

Because you don’t need another person to make the experience worthwhile.

AND YES, YOU MIGHT MEET SOMEONE

Here is the funny part.

Once you stop desperately looking for someone, you may become more open to actually meeting somebody.

You are sitting at the bar.

Someone asks what you’re drinking.

You answer.

They make a joke.

You laugh.

Maybe the conversation continues.

Maybe it doesn’t.

Maybe you exchange numbers.

Maybe you don’t.

Maybe you discover that the person sitting next to you has completely different taste in music and somehow you find that fascinating.

Or maybe you simply finish dinner.

That’s okay too.

Because the evening didn’t fail because romance didn’t appear.

You still had dinner.

You still heard the music.

You still saw the city.

You still lived.

TAKE YOURSELF SOMEWHERE YOU’VE BEEN SAVING

This is your assignment.

Choose somewhere you’ve been waiting for the right occasion to visit.

The beautiful restaurant.

The hotel bar.

The concert.

The museum.

The rooftop.

The theater.

The place you keep saying:

“I’ll go when I have somebody to go with.”

Go.

Book the table.

Buy the ticket.

Put on the outfit.

Arrive.

Don’t apologize for being alone.

Don’t immediately text everyone you know so they can virtually accompany you.

Sit there.

Look around.

Order what you want.

Let the evening happen.

Because maybe you’ve been waiting for an occasion without realizing something very important:

You are the occasion.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN SOMEBODY FINALLY ARRIVES?

Maybe eventually somebody does.

Wonderful.

But imagine meeting them from a place where your life is already full.

You already know the restaurants you love.

The music you listen to.

The places you want to travel.

The friends who know you.

The neighborhood that feels like home.

The things that make Saturday worth getting dressed for.

You aren’t asking someone to build a life for you.

You’re inviting them into one.

That changes the question.

Instead of:

“Will you complete me?”

Maybe it becomes:

“I really like this life I’ve built. Would you like to see some of it?”

Now that’s interesting.

SO, TABLE FOR ONE?

Yes.

One.

No apology.

No explanation.

No imaginary companion running late.

Just one person who got hungry, wanted a beautiful evening and decided not to wait for somebody else’s calendar to cooperate.

Maybe someday there will be two.

Maybe there will be three.

Maybe there will be a family.

Maybe there will be another kind of love entirely.

But tonight?

The reservation is at eight.

And you’re already here.

QUESTION OF THE DAY

WHAT IS THE MOST NEW YORK REASON YOU’VE EVER STOPPED DATING SOMEONE?

Too many train transfers?

They lived too far away?

They wouldn’t come uptown?

Their apartment was suspiciously close to their ex?

They took forty-five minutes to choose a restaurant?

Or maybe the chemistry was simply not there.

Tell us your Mood.

Share your answer with Mood Magazine NYC and be a part of the story.

Your answer could become part of a future Single in the City conversation.

STAY IN THE MOOD

Every week, Single in the City takes Mood readers somewhere deeper into the conversation about dating, relationships, connection, independence, culture and life in New York.

Read the story.

Go somewhere new.

Meet your friends.

Try the restaurant.

See the show.

Listen to the music.

Start the conversation.

Then let New York surprise you.

Explore the city through the Mood Map, discover events and experiences across the five boroughs, listen to WHRL Mood Radio Harlem, watch Mood TV, and find the places where people actually gather, connect and experience the city.

You don’t have to wait for a relationship to start living.

Your life is already happening.

Mood Magazine. Mind. Body. Spirit. Culture. Harlem to the world.

Live Your Mood.