We spend months choosing flowers, dresses and first-dance songs. But somewhere between the engagement and the aisle, perhaps every couple should ask a less glamorous question: What do we want our marriage to build?
There is something intoxicating about planning a wedding.
The dress.
The venue.
The flowers.
The cake.
The photographs.
The song you’ll hear just before the doors open.
And, darling, apparently chairs can cost enough money to require their own financial advisor.
Who knew?
There are tastings.
Fittings.
Seating charts.
Guest lists.
Color palettes.
Bridesmaids.
Family opinions nobody requested.
And approximately seventeen conversations about whether your cousin should really be allowed a plus-one.
For months, sometimes years, an entire relationship becomes organized around one extraordinary day.
And then something strange happens.
The wedding ends.
The flowers come down.
The dress goes into a bag.
Somebody eventually eats the top of the cake.
The photographer sends the gallery.
The credit-card statement arrives with considerably less romance.
And two people wake up one morning and realize:
Oh.
Now we have to be married.
We Know How to Plan Weddings
We have an entire industry designed to help us.
You can hire someone to choose the flowers.
Someone to design the invitations.
Someone to organize the tables.
Someone to make sure Auntie does not somehow turn a three-minute toast into a documentary about your childhood.
There are checklists for everything.
Twelve months before.
Book the venue.
Nine months before.
Order the dress.
Six months before.
Send invitations.
One month before.
Confirm vendors.
But where is the checklist that says:
Have you discussed money?
Do you both want children?
What does fidelity mean to each of you?
How will you handle aging parents?
Where do you want to live?
How much debt are you carrying?
What happens when one person’s career requires the other to compromise?
How do you fight?
Not whether you fight.
You will.
How?
Those conversations aren’t particularly Instagrammable.
They may also matter more than the centerpieces.
Black Love Has Always Built More Than Romance
There is something especially meaningful about Black marriage because our relationships have so often existed inside larger histories.
Families separated.
Marriages denied legal recognition.
Economic opportunity restricted.
Property ownership obstructed.
Communities displaced.
And still, people loved.
Built homes.
Raised children.
Started businesses.
Created traditions.
Made Sunday dinner.
Sent somebody to college.
Bought property.
Took care of elders.
Created families that became shelter from a world that was not always gentle with them.
That doesn’t mean every Black relationship has to carry the entire race on its back.
Please.
Planning dinner is enough pressure some nights.
But it does mean that partnership can become something larger than romance.
Two people can build something neither could have built alone.
So What Are You Building?
That’s the question I wish more wedding planning began with.
Not:
What do we want the wedding to look like?
Ask:
What do we want our life to look like?
Maybe you want a home.
Maybe you want children.
Maybe you absolutely do not want children.
Maybe you want passports full of stamps.
Maybe you want to start a business together.
Maybe you want Sunday dinner with both families.
Maybe you want to retire at 55.
Maybe you want to live in Harlem.
Maybe Atlanta.
Maybe Lagos.
Maybe somewhere with a yard large enough that nobody can hear your neighbors arguing through the wall.
There is no correct answer.
But there should probably be an answer.
Because marriage becomes difficult when two people are lovingly walking toward completely different futures.
Talk About the Money Before Somebody Buys the Flowers
Money isn’t romantic until you don’t have enough of it.
Then it becomes very interesting very quickly.
How much do you earn?
How much do you owe?
What is your credit score?
Are accounts combined?
Separate?
Both?
Who pays what?
How much are you saving?
Does one of you financially support family members?
What does “expensive” mean to you?
What does “comfortable” mean?
What does “rich” mean?
These aren’t first-date questions.
Please don’t request someone’s credit report before the appetizers arrive.
But if we’re discussing marriage?
We should probably know.
Because money carries biography.
Someone raised without enough may save obsessively.
Someone whose family never discussed money may avoid it entirely.
Someone may see spending as freedom.
Another may see saving as safety.
Neither person is necessarily wrong.
But two unexamined financial histories can create one very expensive argument.
And Talk About Family
Because sometimes you aren’t simply marrying a person.
You are acquiring a group chat.
Who gets Christmas?
What happens on Thanksgiving?
How involved will parents be?
Who has keys to the house?
Can your mother come over unannounced?
How long can his cousin stay “until he gets back on his feet”?
And perhaps the most dangerous question ever introduced into a marriage:
“Well, that’s how my family does it.”
Congratulations.
You now have two families.
Your job isn’t necessarily to choose one.
It’s to create a third.
Yours.
Take traditions.
Invent traditions.
Keep what nourishes you.
Change what doesn’t.
A marriage doesn’t have to be a replica of either household that produced it.
Make Room for the People You Haven’t Become Yet
This may be the hardest part.
You’re not only marrying the person standing beside you at the altar.
You’re marrying possibility.
Careers change.
Bodies change.
Beliefs change.
Money changes.
Parents age.
Children arrive—or don’t.
Dreams evolve.
The person who says “I do” at 30 will not be exactly the same person sitting across from you at 50.
Neither will you.
So perhaps one of the great questions of marriage isn’t:
Will you always stay the same?
It is:
Can we remain curious about who the other person is becoming?
That’s different.
And maybe more beautiful.
Have the Beautiful Wedding
Please.
Wear the dress.
Buy the flowers.
Dance until somebody’s aunt takes her shoes off.
Take 4,000 photographs.
Eat the cake.
Cry when the music starts.
Let your people celebrate you.
Black love deserves ceremony.
It deserves beauty.
It deserves photographs our grandchildren may one day hold.
But while you’re planning the wedding, plan something else too.
The marriage.
Plan the conversations.
Plan the finances.
Plan the dreams.
Plan how you’ll protect time together.
Plan how you’ll handle conflict.
Plan what you want to build.
And leave enough room in the plan for life to surprise you.
Because eventually the venue will turn the lights on.
Someone will gather the flowers.
The guests will go home.
And the two of you will leave together.
That’s when the most important part begins.
Not the wedding.
The life after it.
The Mood Question
Before two people get married, what is the ONE conversation you believe every couple absolutely needs to have?
Stay in the Mood
Today, look beyond the wedding.
Enjoy the dress, the flowers, the photographs and all the beautiful details that make the celebration yours.
But somewhere between choosing the venue and choosing the cake, sit across from the person you’re marrying and talk about the life you’re actually trying to create.
Money.
Family.
Home.
Children.
Faith.
Careers.
Sex.
Dreams.
Fear.
The future.
Because the wedding deserves planning.
The marriage deserves even more.
Black Bride is where Mood celebrates Black love in all its beauty—from engagements and weddings to marriage, family, traditions, style, relationships and the lives couples build long after the last dance.
Follow Black Bride every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and continue the conversation on WHRL Mood Radio and throughout the Mood Media Network.
Celebrate the love. Plan the life. Build something beautiful. Stay in the Mood.
Mood Magazine. Mind. Body. Spirit. Culture. Harlem to the world.
