Stop Auditioning for Love
If You Have to Convince Someone to Choose You, You May Already Have Your Answer
Dating in New York can sometimes feel less like romance and more like an unpaid internship.
You prepare.
You dress well.
You arrive with interesting stories.
You demonstrate emotional intelligence.
You laugh at the appropriate moments.
You casually mention that you enjoy travel but are also perfectly capable of staying home on a Friday night.
And somewhere around date three, you realize something uncomfortable.
You’re auditioning.
Not dating.
Auditioning.
You’re trying to become impressive enough, attractive enough, interesting enough, easygoing enough, successful enough, sexual enough, mysterious enough, available enough, but somehow not too available.
Girl.
Boy.
Come off the stage.
YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE CHOOSING TOO
This may be one of the easiest things to forget when you really like someone.
You become so focused on whether they like you that you stop asking whether you actually like them.
Did you enjoy the date?
Did they ask you anything about yourself?
Did you feel comfortable?
Were they kind?
Did they listen?
Do their values make sense with yours?
Are you attracted to who they actually are, or are you attracted to what you’re hoping this could become?
Those questions matter.
Because dating isn’t one person sitting behind a table holding a clipboard while the other performs.
There are two people at the audition.
Actually, forget the audition.
There shouldn’t be one at all.
STOP EDITING YOURSELF
We’ve all done some version of it.
You love Broadway.
They don’t.
Suddenly:
“Oh, I don’t go that often.”
You want children.
They’re “not really sure.”
Suddenly you’re discussing how fulfilled you could theoretically be with twelve plants and a passport.
You text back quickly by nature, but now you’re waiting 47 minutes because somebody on TikTok said responding too soon destroys masculine polarity.
Please.
There is a difference between allowing a relationship to unfold naturally and slowly removing pieces of yourself to make somebody more comfortable choosing you.
Eventually, if it works, they’re going to meet the real you anyway.
You might as well introduce them now.
CONFUSION IS INFORMATION
Here’s one that can save you some time.
If you’re constantly asking your friends:
“What do you think they meant by that?”
Pay attention.
Not every uncertain moment means someone isn’t interested. People are complicated. Work gets busy. Families happen. Fear happens. Life happens.
But prolonged confusion?
Weeks of hot and cold?
Beautiful dates followed by disappearing acts?
Affection without intention?
Plans that never quite become plans?
At some point, stop trying to solve the mystery.
Confusion is information.
You deserve a relationship, or even the beginning of one, where you don’t need a detective board in your apartment with red string connecting screenshots.
POTENTIAL IS NOT A PARTNER
This one hurts.
Sometimes we aren’t dating the person.
We’re dating their potential.
Who they could become once they’re ready.
Once their career settles down.
Once they heal.
Once they learn to communicate.
Once they realize how wonderful we are.
Once Mercury leaves whatever it’s apparently doing to everybody.
Potential can be beautiful.
But you cannot build a relationship with someone’s future self.
You have to decide whether the person standing in front of you today is someone you would choose today.
That’s harder.
It’s also much more useful.
TRY THIS ON YOUR NEXT DATE
Instead of walking into the room thinking:
I hope they like me.
Try:
I’m curious whether we like each other.
That tiny change puts you back inside your own life.
Now you aren’t performing.
You’re observing.
You’re participating.
You’re enjoying yourself.
You’re asking questions because you actually want the answers.
And perhaps you’re noticing that the incredibly attractive person sitting across from you has spent 38 minutes talking about themselves and hasn’t asked you one question.
Information.
Very useful information.
THE SINGLE IN THE CITY CHALLENGE
On your next date, don’t audition.
Don’t make yourself smaller.
Don’t pretend to dislike something you love.
Don’t manufacture mystery.
Don’t calculate how many minutes you’re supposed to wait before answering a perfectly normal text.
Just show up.
Then afterward, ask yourself three questions:
How did I feel around them?
Did I like who I was around them?
Do I genuinely want to see them again?
Notice none of those questions is:
Do you think they liked me?
Share your experience with us on Threads.
Dating stories, lessons, disasters, breakthroughs, questions, we want them.
Be a part of the story.
THE MOOD QUESTION
When was the last time you stopped asking whether someone wanted you and asked whether you actually wanted them?
That answer might change the way you date.
STAY IN THE MOOD
Single in the City is about navigating dating, desire, loneliness, independence, bad decisions, great stories and the complicated business of finding connection without losing yourself.
Continue the conversation with Mood Magazine NYC and WHRL Mood Radio Harlem, and join us on Threads to tell us what dating in your city actually looks like.
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