New York City has millions of people, thousands of restaurants, five boroughs, countless dating apps and somehow, you can still find yourself sitting at home on a Friday night wondering, “Where is everybody?”
Welcome to dating in New York.
The good news? There are plenty of single people here. The bad news? Everybody is busy, everybody has options, and nobody has time for a six-week texting relationship that never makes it to a coffee shop.
So, class is in session.
Lesson One: Get Off the App Sometimes
Dating apps are useful. They can introduce you to people you would never meet otherwise. But don’t confuse having 47 matches with actually dating.
New York is experiencing a renewed interest in meeting people in real life, from speed dating and supper clubs to run clubs, classes, cultural events and neighborhood gatherings.
Go somewhere you actually enjoy.
Take a class. See a show. Go to a museum. Sit at the bar instead of hiding at home with takeout. Become a regular somewhere.
You don’t necessarily need to “find someone.” You need to become visible.
Lesson Two: New York Is a Neighborhood Game
Dating someone in New York isn’t just about chemistry.
It’s logistics.
A person can be absolutely fabulous and still live an hour and three subway transfers away.
Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx and Staten Island each have their own dating ecosystems. Even within Manhattan, the person you meet downtown may have a very different rhythm from someone on the Upper East Side.
So when somebody says, “We should get together sometime,” try something more useful:
“Thursday. 7 p.m. Coffee or drinks?”
Congratulations. You have just made a date.
Lesson Three: Stop Interviewing People
First dates are not job interviews.
You do not need to determine someone’s entire relationship potential over one cocktail.
Are you comfortable together?
Do you laugh?
Can you have a conversation?
Are you curious about each other?
That’s enough for Date One.
There is a tendency in modern dating to arrive with a checklist so detailed that nobody gets the opportunity to surprise you. And that may be one of the great tragedies of dating in a city where almost everyone has a story.
Leave a little room for discovery.
Lesson Four: Your First Date Doesn’t Need to Cost $300
Please.
New York has enough beautiful places to spend money without turning every first date into a financial event.
Coffee and a walk. A museum. A neighborhood wine bar. A bookstore. Live music. A park. A casual cocktail.
The objective is conversation, not production value.
If the chemistry is there, you can always make Date Two bigger.
Lesson Five: Say What You Want
Casual?
Relationship?
Something you’re figuring out?
Say that.
You don’t have to give somebody your five-year relationship plan before the appetizers arrive, but you should know enough about yourself to avoid pretending you’re looking for one thing when you’re actually looking for another.
New York has too many people to waste time performing.
Lesson Six: Chemistry Is Not a Spreadsheet
You are allowed to like someone who wasn’t exactly what you ordered.
Maybe they don’t have your “type.”
Maybe their job isn’t impressive enough for your group chat.
Maybe they grew up somewhere you’ve never been.
Maybe their profile wasn’t particularly clever.
And then you meet them and something happens.
That’s dating.
You cannot swipe your way into every possibility.
Lesson Seven: Learn the Art of the Second Date
The first date answers one question:
Would I like to see this person again?
It does not answer:
Will we get married?
Will they meet my mother?
Can I trust them with my Netflix password?
Slow down.
If you enjoyed yourself, say so.
“Had a great time tonight. I’d like to see you again.”
That’s it.
No games. No strategic waiting period. No consulting six friends about whether the punctuation in their text means they’re losing interest.
You are grown.
Use your words.
Lesson Eight: Become the Person You Want to Date
This may be the most important lesson of all.
If you want someone adventurous, go have adventures.
If you want someone who loves culture, participate in culture.
If you want someone social, get out of the house.
If you want someone emotionally available, become comfortable with honest conversation yourself.
New York is not short on people.
Sometimes we are simply waiting for someone to discover us while we are hiding.
So put on the good outfit.
Leave the apartment.
Go somewhere.
Look up from your phone.
Smile.
You never know who is sitting across the room.
Question of the Day
What is your biggest New York dating rule: never date across boroughs, never date coworkers, never date someone from the apps, or are you willing to break every rule if the chemistry is right?
Stay in the Mood
Single. Dating. Married. Situationship. Happily confused.
Whatever your relationship status, New York has a seat for you.
Just make sure you actually leave the house.
