New York Has Eight Million People. So Why Is Dating Still So Complicated?
By Mood Magazine NYC
The other night, I was sitting across from someone on what I believed was a date.
At least, I thought it was a date.
We had chosen a restaurant.
There was eye contact.
Someone had changed clothes before arriving.
These are usually encouraging signs.
Then, somewhere between the appetizer and the second drink, they said something that immediately made me question everything.
“So, what are you looking for?”
Now, this is a perfectly reasonable question.
In theory.
But in New York, asking someone what they’re looking for can feel like asking a stranger on the subway to explain their five-year plan.
Suddenly, nobody knows anything.
“I don’t know. I’m just seeing where things go.”
“I’m open.”
“I’m not looking for anything serious, but I’m not against it.”
“I’m focused on myself right now.”
And my personal favorite:
“I’m just going with the flow.”
The flow, apparently, is crowded.
Because New York has millions of people.
Millions.
People are everywhere.
On the train.
In restaurants.
At the gym.
Standing behind you in line for coffee.
And yet somehow, finding one person you genuinely like, who likes you back, is emotionally available, lives within a reasonable commuting distance, and does not disappear for three days after saying, “We should definitely do this again,” has become one of the city’s great mysteries.
EVERYONE IS AVAILABLE. SORT OF.
Dating in New York creates a strange illusion.
There are so many people that you begin to believe there must always be someone better around the corner.
Maybe they live in Brooklyn.
Maybe they’re in Harlem.
Maybe they’re in Queens and somehow emotionally ready.
Maybe they’re one swipe away.
So instead of deciding whether we like the person sitting across from us, we’re occasionally distracted by the possibility of the person who isn’t.
And that’s a dangerous way to date.
Because potential can become a very effective excuse for avoiding connection.
THE COMMUTE MATTERS
Let’s also be honest about geography.
In New York, distance is not measured in miles.
It’s measured in train transfers.
You can tell someone you live twenty minutes away, and technically, you may be correct.
But then comes the follow-up question.
“How?”
And suddenly, everyone has to be honest.
“Well, it’s twenty minutes if the train is running.”
Silence.
Because dating someone in New York occasionally requires the logistical planning of an international summit.
Do we meet in the middle?
Does one person travel?
How many transfers are too many transfers before this relationship officially becomes long distance?
These are the questions romance novels conveniently leave out.
WE HAVE OPTIONS. WE JUST DON’T ALWAYS HAVE CLARITY.
Perhaps dating isn’t difficult because New York has too few people.
Perhaps it’s difficult because we have become very good at keeping every possibility slightly open.
We don’t want to close the door.
We don’t want to choose too soon.
We don’t want to miss something better.
So we continue talking.
Texting.
Seeing where things go.
Going with the flow.
Until eventually, one person realizes the flow hasn’t actually gone anywhere.
And maybe that’s the real challenge of being single in New York.
Not finding someone.
Deciding what to do when you do.
Because eventually, the best dates are not about the restaurant, the neighborhood, the outfit, or whether someone chose a place with sufficiently flattering lighting.
It’s about clarity.
Do I like you?
Do you like me?
Should we do this again?
New York is complicated enough.
Maybe dating doesn’t always have to be.
Then again, where would the stories come from?
QUESTION OF THE DAY
What is the most New York reason you’ve ever stopped dating someone?
Too many train transfers?
They lived too far away?
Their apartment was suspiciously close to their ex?
Tell us on Threads and Be a Part of the Story.
STAY IN THE MOOD
Dating in New York may be complicated, but at least you’ll never run out of stories.
Follow Mood Magazine NYC for conversations about love, relationships, culture, and the wonderfully complicated business of being human in New York City.
Listen to WHRL Mood Radio Harlem, watch Mood TV, and join the conversation on Threads.
And if you are currently dating in New York, good luck.
We’re rooting for you.
Mood Magazine. Mind. Body. Spirit. Culture. Harlem to the world.
